So I watch these Christmas movies that come on TV and I'm always thinking, Man, who are these assholes who don't believe in Santa Claus/angels/Christmas spirit? Who are these skeptical motherfuckers ruining it for the rest of us, these grinchy, scroogy, cynical humanist types whose refuse to take anything on faith, and how soon can they be vanquished?

Well I'd best get off the couch and take a good long look in the mirror. Because Scrooge and the Grinch and Mr. Potter and the Bill Murray of the first half of Scrooged and the James Caan dad character in Elf--that's me!

I don't believe in flying reindeer or elf sweatshops or ghosts of Christmas in any tense. I don't believe bells ringing mean angels are getting their wings. If I met a friendly old fat man with a white beard who called himself Kris Kringle, I'd send him to the nuthouse. Yesterday--yeah, Christmas Day, folks--when I heard, "Oh the weather outside is frightful..." for the seventy-second time I didn't grin. I wanted to shoot up my mother-in-common-law's stereo.

It comes to this...

I'm the asshole!

Cooped up in the house so thought I'd post

One of my chickens always manages to fly the coop. I build the fence ever higher, but she still flaps her way over it. This is Camilla I'm talking about, of course--the impetuous one. In case it isn't obvious, by the way, I named her after Gonzo's girlfriend.

Her partner-in-laying (but not in a sexual way) is Hennessy. She's always getting shouted out by rappers and it's so sweet! But I do wonder, sometimes...why are they so into her? What goes on in that coop at night?

Anyway, Hennessy is very well-behaved in daylight. But Camilla always flies the coop. This might not sound like much of a problem since chickens really do always come home to roost. She doesn't wander off. But she does shit all over the patio and dig up my plants.

So I was thinking maybe I should clip her wings.

Are you crying? Doesn't that sound terrible? Clip her wings, oh god: I couldn't handle the metaphoric implications.

Then I recalled that I am already fencing her in. And keeping her cooped up.

Maybe whenever you take up something humans have been doing for a really long time you bump into the origins of metaphors. It's kinda awkward because you're like, oh, hi, you're literal.

I noticed it when I started gardening, sowing seeds and reaping harvests, making fertile ground and the like. And when Brian started working down at the docks (okay, yes, he does payroll), I found out that some people literally put down anchor and set sail. Go overboard and ship out.

I know. It's pretty mortifying that I never thought about all that before. But the chickens don't think I'm stupid. Course they're freakin bird brains.

I don't know how to put this, but...I'm kind of a big deal

My new column, Stewpot, at Buffy brainchild City Belt.

Read it or weep.

Stress=Holidays--> ?

Just a quick musing...

Doesn't it seem to spell the demise of our culture that "holiday" and "stress" have become such a natural word pair? Only if I'm freaking out about what to buy for people not especially dear to me or working myself into an advance panic about the January credit card bill do I feel truly in the holiday spirit. We seem to think joy is for kids, specifically those destined to unwrap a Nintendo Wii.

Who Would You Rather Sleep With?

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER SLEEP WITH?



J.T.

METHOD OF SEDUCTION: sweet smile

WRITING SAMPLE:
I could see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand

A BIT ABOUT ME: Got my start in showbiz on the Mickey Mouse Club

WHO I'VE BAGGED ALREADY: Spears, Britney; Diaz, Cameron


OR



T.I.

METHOD OF SEDUCTION: sexy sneer



WRITING SAMPLE:
Say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high
Well baby it's obvious that I ain't your guy

A BIT ABOUT ME: Did a bid on cocaine distribution charges.

WHO I'VE BAGGED ALREADY: Southern states, all.



Or if you prefer ladies...




Beyonce

SPECIAL FEATURES: Bootylicious jelly.

SIGNATURE MOVE: Rapid butt thrusts.

MY SKILLSET: Innocent smiling. And singing.

MY PHILOSOPHY: Father knows best.





OR



Shakira




SPECIAL FEATURES: Truthful hips.

SIGNATURE MOVE: Dramatic chest thrust, emulates action of defibrillator.

MY SKILLSET: Multilingual, also fluent in bellydance. And singing.

MY PHILOSOPHY: "No fighting."




OR



Fergie

SPECIAL FEATURES: Implied breast cancer.

SIGNATURE MOVE: Hip oppositions with arms over head.

MY SKILLSET: Shame-lacking. (I was a Mousketeer too!)

MY PHILOSOPHY: "I blow kisses." [trans. "I am not the whore I make myself look like."]







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