Might As Well Have, Much As My Cat Accuses Me of Cheating

I thought he would like seeing the Facebook page of another kitty, but Paulie was: devastated. Apparently I had made some recent comment about how the gray and white neighbor cat was cute, and Crim had come home from a social function with Maine Coon furs on his sweatshirt, and then he finds out I'm Facebook friends with this other feline and, being Paulie James Walnuts III (drag name Molly Pecans, blues name Muddy Paws) he had to bend it into some overarching theory.

You guys are seeing other cats. Don't bother to deny it.

Of course we rolled our eyes at this nonsense. How much vet debt must we accrue, how much biting abuse must we tolerate, how high-end a cat food must we buy to prove our boundless loyalty? Assurances were made that he is a very special cat. Staggeringly handsome, impeccable wit, always top predator in our ecosystem, master of all he surveys, &c.

And how superficial did he think we were? As if we would judge our animal companion by mere degree of cuteness, or proportion of assholish to sweet behavior, or amount of particulate matter stuck to rectum, or number of fleas leaping off onto our bed.

What about your charming wiles and pocketful of foibles? And his anarchist saboteur technique of clawing the mattress underside until his demand to be let outside is met--I have a grudging respect for the strategic means there, even if the ends are questionable. What other cat puts on stunna shades and does hip thrusts to "Poker Face"? What other cat wept at the end of Milk with such passion? And your comic timing! He has great comic timing.

That night he stayed out late. We played right into his paws, were worried sick, calling from the back door and then the front and then the back. Around midnight he showed up, flea-ridden, cobwebs stuck to his face, and got just the worshipful welcome he had angled for. We saw the trap and fell in anyway. Because he may be a dictator. But he's our dictator.


More weird Walnuts posts:
Four Paws Marching
Goodkitties
My Cat is a Narcissist, But I Love Him
Walnuts v. Walnuts